Health economist Professor Alan Maynard reflects on political learning and real reform

Fashions come and fashions go, but clinicians - primarily doctors - still largely determine what healthcare patients receive. They lead the teams that consume £107 billion of taxpayers’ hard-earned money a year. Their vagaries, waste and unwarranted clinical practice variations can determine your survival as much as their energy, humanity and efficiency.

‘Beat me!’ begged the masochist.

‘No’, replied the sadist.

Longstanding readers may recall my observation that health policy is BDSM by other means.

Latterly, the relationship between Health Secretary Jeremy ’Bellflinger’ Hunt and his shadow, Mascara Kid Andy Burnham reminds me of Tom Lehrer’s classic ‘The Masochism Tango’:
“I ache for the touch of your lips, dear,

Health economist Professor Alan Maynard turns his attention to the beautiful world of NHS management jargon

The ways in which NHS staff communicate with each other and the public are a wonder to behold! There is redundant use of adjectives to emphasise perfectly adequate nouns … and then there are phrases which are mis-speaking, misleading or just vacuous.

The latter are charitably collectively known as ‘jargon’. Less charitably, they are known as ‘bollocks’.

Health economist Professor Alan Maynard examines the ills of Big Pharma, and offers his own prescriptions for improvement.

Big Pharma is struggling, and with a continuing history of naughtiness involving greed and corruption, its critics are out for blood.

Parliament has risen for recess, but the satirical alter ego of the Secretary Of State For Health, swear-word-loving Jeremy Twunt, found time in his busy schedule to write this guest editorial outlining the emergent thinking in Conservative health policy.

Professor Sir Bruce Keogh has a well-earned reputation as nobody's fool. His report into the 14 hospitals he was asked to investigate at the launch of the Mid-Staffs Public Inquiry report is widely acknowledged as a fine piece of work.

Sir Bruce's covering letter to SOS Jeremy 'Bellflinger' Hunt bears quoting extensively, as I have done below, together with his list of ambitions and actions.

The Guardian's Denis Campbell and Patrick Wintour have a plausible-looking leak about the Keogh report tomorrow.

The five non-FTs will get a 'hit squad' parachuted in (could they not just get a taxi?), and six of the nine FTs listed will be put into special administration.

There won't be any immediate sackings of CEs.

One of the charming things about health policy is that if you stand in one place long enough, policies come round again.

Tomorrow, Health Secretary Jeremy 'Bellflinger' Hunt will take the last session of Health questions of this session of Parliament. He will then give a statement to the Commons on the Keogh review.

At such a politically-charged moment, it is always good to cite The Politician's Syllogism from the BBC classic 'Yes, Minister':
1. Something must be done.
2. This is something.
3. Therefore this must be done.

It's a happy accident of timing that the NHS's 65th birthday falls on a Friday - as working days go, most people's favourite.

The NHS is, as government institutions go, most people's favourite. There are all sorts of politicians' observations we can draw on - from Lawson on the NHS as religion to Bevan's NHS as the best present the British people ever gave themselves.

But I'm going to agree with Comrade-In-Chief Sir David Nicholson's beloved if dentally-challenged NHS Constitution: "the NHS belongs to the people".

Health economist Professor Alan Maynard has received a wholly-authentic leak from a well-known political strategist to a well-known Jeremy. We publish it here in blatant defiance of the Data Protection Act.

Top secret: for your eyes only

Dear Jeremy,

Dave asked me to brief you on what he would like done with the National Health Service. As ever, and certainly until after we are re-elected in 2015 with a majority, the party line is that we are the heroic defenders of the NHS.