[Historical note - check the date]
In a dramatic policy U-turn, the Coalition Government's health policy review will in a year's time nationalise general practice.

Health Policy Insight can reveal that on 1 April 2012, ministers will oversee the transfer of GPs' contracts, assets and splendidly effective trades union to state control.

HPI has exclusively obtained the envelope on the back of which the ministerial team has drafted this concept. It has, we understand, been extensively tested with the NHS's stakeholder Sir David Nicholson, and successfully passed his demanding 'Flying Milburn' strategic assessment.

Under the new scheme, GPs will put sick patients on a performance-related pay scheme to incentivise wellness. All healthy patients on a practice registered list will be put into a monthly lottery, drawn at random each month by a minor TV celebrity. Winning patients will have their car washed by a GP of their choice.

The British Medical Association's headquarters BMA House is to be renamed 'The Ministry Of Truth', and will change to a dual use as a nail bar and re-education centre for troublesome commentators. Senior BMA negotiators, including chair of council Dr Hamish Meldrum, will take on key strategic roles in government, understood to include the search for Foreign Secretary William Hague's mojo.

GP receptionists are to assume new roles in NHS demand management, under the slogan 'No Decision About My Treatment Without Making Me Queue Up At 8.20 Tomorrow Morning'. In areas where overspending is considered to be a risk, tomorrow will be rebranded 'the day after tomorrow'.

Medical training will be affected, with incisions henceforth to be known as 'savings'.

And finally, a new 100% supertax bracket will be introduced to eliminate three-letter acronyms.